Beyond BT

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Some BTs Lose It, Some FFBs Never Had It

Posted on | November 13, 2012 | By Guest Contributor | 3 Comments


Rabbi Menachem Zupnik
From Mishpacha Magazine BT Symposium – September 13, 2012

THE PROBLEMS IDENTIFIED here are very real and serious, and the answers are very personal and complex, and can’t be properly addressed in a short forum. I am also uncomfortable that perhaps classifying these courageous Jews and their problems separately in this way is shallow and disrespectful. I try to be understanding of each individual, weighing his strengths and limitations as we talk. I experience each one as just an Orthodox Jew trying his best to juggle the stress and difficulty of fidelity to Hashem and His Torah in today’s day and age.

I have been privileged to be inspired by many Jews who demonstrate incredible dedication and modesty in the face of great nisayon; but I have also encountered Jews who unfortunately do not seem concerned enough about compromising their Yiddishkeit. There is a spectrum of connection to Hashem and His Torah that exists equally among both the frum from birth and the baalei teshuvah. Indeed, some FFB people demonstrate weaknesses requiring compromises that dwarf any I have ever made for a person due to his secular past. In my experience, it is not a person’s upbringing that defines who he is; his past is something for consideration, but no more.

You wonder how to deal with a baal teshuvah’s “buyer’s remorse.” In response, I query: Is their problem of disenchantment essentially any different from that which so many of our young FFB adults are feeling, and is the answer to “their problem” any different from the answer to “ours”?

Regarding the sheer difficulty and expense of being frum, I again suggest that the problem is no different for the FFB individual. What would you say to a good, well-meaning Jew who, following his rebbeim, struggled to raise daughters who wish to marry only bnei Torah? His wonderful success in raising six exemplary daughters is greeted with the harsh reality that the really serious bnei Torah “cost” more than he can afford. His daughters, he is told, must settle for boys who are not such big learners but can support themselves. He regrets having thoughtlessly followed the course of our community, he is disil-lusioned by the system, and angry that it does not value his precious daughters and give them the chance they so very much deserve. How does one respond to his remorse and anger? The problem is not essentially any different from the one described here as a baal teshuvah problem. Indeed, in my experience, the latter problem arises more often than the former.

The issue of full integration into the community is also a personal question that depends on the individual and the community. I cannot overemphasize the importance of making the effort to belong to and be part of the larger Orthodox Jewish community. This is especially important for their children’s sake, since they are lacking the added support of an extended frum family.

But once again, this is not only an issue for baalei teshuvah. They are not the only ones who want to retain their own identity and are hesitant to conform entirely. This is a larger problem with frum behavior in general; we may eat similar foods and wear similar clothes, but we are far from conformists. Just listen to the attitudes expressed among FFBs: This rav is too stringent and that rav is too lenient, that rosh yeshivah is too rigid and the other one does not give the boys a clear direction. Tragically, this occurs regarding gedolei Yisrael as well, with too many FFBs assessing their wisdom and deciding at a whim whether to heed their guidance.

The sad reality is that most frum Jews are in actuality very — perhaps too — independent. People resist committing themselves to any one shul, or rav, or any particular derech. This is not spiritually healthy for the FFB any more than it is for the baal teshuvah. So, before we start pondering whether an intelligent, well-educated baal teshuvah has to give up his or her independence and perspective to join our derech, perhaps we should address our own deficiencies in this regard, and ask ourselves: Do I have a rav and a derech? Have I given up my ideas and issues in order to conform to a kehillah?

The term ben Torah, although part of our lexicon, lacks a clear definition. I use the term to describe a particular type of Jew who may not have ever even stepped into a yeshivah, but understands that being frum entails striving to be a better Jew and constantly growing in avodas Hashem. In general, the life of a ben Torah is less secular and more intensely Jewish. One might therefore expect that he would have the hardest time in accepting newcomers to Judaism, with their “strange and different ways.”

Yet, I have observed over many years that the very opposite is true. It is these very intensely Jewish individuals who have the least problem accepting the newcomers. And that is simply because they have the most in common with them; they both are seekers of the truth. They value substance over style, and appreciate each other’s mesirus nefesh to try and do what is correct. Others who accept mediocrity and stagnation in their Jewish lives do not share this common bond with the baal teshuvah. And, although their more liberal form of Jewish living and familiarity with secular culture might seem closer to the baal teshuvah’s own experience, in reality they find little in common with the baal teshuvah’s sincerity and quest for meaning in life.

There are many baalei teshuvah who, after a while, lose their initial vitality, and there are many FFBs who never had it. Yet we find in both of these groups dedicated Jews who maintain their enthusiasm for everything Jewish throughout their observant lives. This is the only meaningful distinction that exists within our community in an effort to deal with its problems; it is a mistake to continue grouping Jews by irrelevant superficialities.

The best thing we can do for our newly observant members is to continue to strive and grow to become better Jews. Most baalei te-shuvah will feel accepted and comfortable among such Jews. The worst thing we can do for them is to lose our own vitality and become more involved with style than substance. That is a tragedy for us as well as for them.

Rav Menachem Zupnik is the rav of Bais Torah U’tefillah in Passaic, New Jersey, a yeshivah community that is also a magnet for baalei teshuvah. His kehillah is noted for its ability to make the yeshivah worldview and experience accessible to newcomers.

Comments

3 Responses to “Some BTs Lose It, Some FFBs Never Had It”

  1. Shades of Gray
    November 13th, 2012 @ 1:31 am

    “Others who accept mediocrity and stagnation in their Jewish lives do not share this common bond with the baal teshuvah. And, although their more liberal form of Jewish living and familiarity with secular culture might seem closer to the baal teshuvah’s own experience, in reality they find little in common with the baal teshuvah’s sincerity and quest for meaning in life…”

    Rabbi Zupnik’s point is true about BT(as well as many FFB) eschewing stagnation. There is also another side of the coin, in terms of some degree of “familiarity with secular culture”, as mentioned a while ago on this site(“Interview with Rabbi Yitzchok Adlerstein”, 3/3/08):

    “For a variety of reasons, there is a strong push in some circles (for reasons that have much validity in those circles) for greater and greater insularity. Baalei Teshuva – not all, but certainly significant numbers – are negatively impacted by this. Many of them had and continue to have important ties to the larger world. Part of what made Torah attractive to them was the promise they were given that Torah has something to say about each and every issue that Man faces. These baalei teshuva were starting to see that many of the people around them not only had nothing to say about these issues, but they were completely unaware of them, and when informed about them did not deal with them with any great insight – Torah or otherwise. I believe that it is important to show such people that there are people in the Torah community (closet Hirschians, lots of RWMO and LW haredim, and iconoclastic bnei Torah of all stripes and descriptions) who do share and live by the vision that enticed them to join the ranks of the Torah committed in the first place…”

  2. Inquirer
    November 13th, 2012 @ 8:06 pm

    To the author,

    My post may digress from your main topic, but it does involve an element of what you mentioned; particularly hashkafic difficulties that arise and may cause turmoil for some (which can lead to spiritual crises). I am curious of your answer.

    Your passage…..”His daughters, he is told, must settle for boys who are not such big learners but can support themselves. He regrets having thoughtlessly followed the course of our community, he is disillusioned by the system, and angry that it does not value his precious daughters and give them the chance they so very much deserve.”…..

    I find this somewhat disheartening. Correct me if I am wrong, but presumably the father in this passage is a member of a community that sees full time learning as priority over working? If so, what troubles me is that work is seen less desirable and less honorable than learning full time. Because of that, the father comes to a spiritual (or societal, which is really connected to the spiritual in my opinion) dilemma. This is bothersome to me because many great rabbis of our past have praised people who work and for partaking in the creation of the world. After all, HaShem worked by creating the universe and continually maintains it. Rabbenu Yonah said in his sefer Derasot U-Ferushey:

    “You see man busily engaged in his work”-King Solomon saw the great necessity to learn a trade in order to live, and he therefore urged, “prepare your work outside.” Our sages say that work is great because it is ennobling. Many of the sages were great artisans. They praise work profusely, pointing out that God ascribed [work] to himself at the beginning of the Torah… and that even one who occupies himself with the Torah-which exceeds all else in sublimity-will founder unless he also works or finds some other livelihood.

    From my personal studies (I am a BT btw), it seems working and learning has always been priority in frum society. Learning full time was meant for an exceptional few. Could it be that an individual or community’s spiritual problems stem from a digression of a traditional outlook? Might the father in this story not have his “dilemma” if it was equally honorable to partake in the the creation of the world by working and studying Torah? What is your opinion of hashkafic misrepresentation? I try to tell myself from time to time that my hashkafa isn’t based on selective reading. Maybe one day I will have good enough hebrew to read the VaYoel Moshe, even if I may not like it.

  3. Steve Brizel
    November 27th, 2012 @ 11:23 pm

    For those interested, see how a BT functions as a star on one of the hottest comedies on Televisionhttp://www.yuobserver.org/2012/11/torah-umadda-a-conversation-with-mayim-bialik/

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