17 Responses to “Why is it So Difficult to Judge Favorably?”

1. Bob Miller
   July 11th, 2012 @ 8:07 am

   Part of the problem is how little we understand the internal dynamics of other communities. Even staying in one over Shabbos would not necessarily increase that type of understanding enough. I guess it requires a kind of projection and research to overcome this a little.

   Another part stems from communities who let it be known that they are perfect while others are not. This attitude naturally sets critics off who know of or have heard of imperfections. Some realism and humility could defuse some such criticism.

2. Neil Harris
   July 11th, 2012 @ 11:12 am

   Before I give my short answers, I’d like to address the first few words of this post: If you regularly read Jewish publications…

   I’ve talked to people about off-blogs and attempted to comment on over the past 6 years online that when anyone puts their thought into the written word the they are directed towards a faceless person, it’s easy to criticize. When we have a disscussion online or someone criticizes a group in printed media it’s easy to write or type what you have to say and then walk away and not think about the other party. This a a byproduct that we often don’t think about in an age where we feel so “connected” electronically.

   Why do you think it’s so difficult to judge favorably? The Vilna Gaon says that the mitzvos were given to perfect each of us. If there’s mitzvah to judge others, then it’s an indication that we, as a klal, need to work on this.

   Can you be successful in presenting criticism while still judging favorably? Rarely. Even when I preface a statement by saying, “Based on my limited undestanding, it seems to me that you…”

   Are there any techniques that you would recommend? “Seek to understand, then to be understood”- Stephen Covey

3. lacosta
   July 11th, 2012 @ 12:50 pm

   a thought — a major feature of frum [and certainly haredi] judaism is ‘lehavdil bein kodesh lechol’ , to separate between sacred and profane. even though the impure metzora was required to holler out ‘impure, impure’, generally everyone feels their derech in life is the correct one, but it is their duty to prevent people from associating with unacceptable [ to their view] ideologies , be they Orthodox or not….

4. CRZ
   July 11th, 2012 @ 12:50 pm

   One of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov’s fundamental teachings is that of Azamra, seeking the good within oneself. When you are able to see your own good points then you can more easily see the good points in others.

   You must search for the spark of good in other Jews. By focusing on that, talking about the positive in people, you make that positive point grow. (I believe this is the key to kiruv in general.)

   In general, this criticizing of others is an extremely painful situation and seems to be growing worse in some ways (though better in others, I think of some examples of religious newspapers that show support for Jews who are different than them).

   Still, why do we seem to love each other mostly in tragedy (the imprisonment of Sholom Mordechai Halevi Ben Rivka, Yacov Yehuda ben Shaindel, Yonatan ben Malka,Yacov Yosef ben Raizel; Mumbai; etc.)? Why aren’t we looking at each other’s strengths?

   Everyone is human, with strengths and flaws.

   Why make serious criticisms in a public forum? You see something negative in yourself or your family or community that needs to be addressed, try to address it, but why try correcting everyone else’s communities?

   As someone whose contributed articles to religious, as well as secular and secular/non-observant-Jewish publications I’m often pained by what I see. Even people who’ve know about loshon hara seem to dismiss Jews who are different than “us”. In truth, I’ve mostly found this in non-religious publications, but not only in these.
   The general frum bashing will probably lessen if we don’t bash each other (or, Jews who don’t have a Torah education or who feel that their Torah education has failed them.)

   But this isn’t limited to publications. This happens in person, too. I left a group which “mikarved” me for this very reason, I couldn’t take the dissing of Jews from other religious groups. Then I found out this kind of thing isn’t limited to one group or another, it happens everywhere, when people feel they are with “their own”!

   As a sometimes-public speaker on a variety of topics, I’ve spoken on this topic to two groups and the response was fairly (mostly) positive but I did get some negative comments too, like “why bring this up, it causes problems”. That’s why I was so happy to see this post in Beyond BT.

   This past two years friends and I have been discussing this. A couple of us feel enough interest has been generated to start an achdus organization. We are scheduling our fist meeting this coming August, I”yH, in the Borough Park/Parkville area of Brooklyn. We have two women who can’t travel to Brooklyn, committed to joining us by phone, too. If you’d like to join us (we do not have a date set in stone, yet),you would be very welcome. Please contact me, Chaya Rivka, at healthyblog@optimum.net.

5. Mark Frankel
   July 11th, 2012 @ 1:40 pm

   I think one basic reason is that in the short term it’s easier to tear down than to build up. But tearing down is not a good long term solution, eventually you really have to build with all the work that entails.

   Another reason is that when people publish their opinions that want to rally the troops around what they are saying. It’s very hard to rally people around nuanced positions. It’s much easier to paint a picture of a big bad problem and rally people around eliminating the problem.

   Some writers/speakers that I think very highly of come to mind. In many cases they had very good points to make, but the majority of their shiur/writing is focused on painting the other position into one of ridicule. And perhaps they do inspire their troops to rally, but I think it’s not the Torah’s prescription for long term solutions.

6. Mr. Cohen
   July 11th, 2012 @ 2:24 pm

   Years ago I realized that I was having problems with judging my fellow Jews favorably, so I began to recite this prayer almost every day, which I composed myself:

   “Yehi Ratzone Milfanecha LeYaazor Li Kol Yemei Chayai, BeChol Shaa, UBeChol Et, UBeChol Matziv, LeDōn Col Yehudim LeCaf Zechut CeHalachah CeRetzonecha, VeLo LeCaf Chovah, Chas VeShalom.“

7. Shmuel
   July 12th, 2012 @ 10:33 am

   I think a broad reason that it’s hard to judge favorably is that the yetzer hara is a formidalbe adversary who can never be totally defeated. So (for example) a person disciplines himself or herself to live a life that goes according to the rhythm of Torah (tefila, talmud Torah, Shabbos, etc) which is no small accomplishment and for most a significant victory over the yetzer hara. And the yetzer hara regroups and comes back as what just defeated him –a person’s commitment to Torah, or to a certain approach to Torah, or membership in a certain type of Torah community. I believe the point could be equally valid if made using terminology of human psychology for those who find that helpful.

   So, again on a broad level, the key is being aware of the phenomenon and never giving up on trying to become a more complete person.

8. Yaakov arye
   July 12th, 2012 @ 3:03 pm

   I think that most reactions and even decisions, are made on a subconscious level.

   Sub-conscious by definition is BELOW our conscious, and we come to those reactions by factoring all OUR past experiences and coming up with a total- which surfaces as a reaction or OPINION.
   So, really an opinion is usually deeply personal- made up of our life experiences.
   So:
   when anyone has another view that conflicts with our own, if the situation is serious to us, then they are conflicting with US.

   So to answer the 3 questions:
   1) judging favorably is a form of kvishas hayetzer self control- and hard to do.

   2)The more you can judge favorably, that means you are more objective, and thinking and deciding more consciously. People appreciate being heard and understood, so when you judge favorably, they are more obliged to see your point also and perhaps change their mind.

   3) Learn to be more open minded of the real situation being considered. Be more aware of what brought you to YOUR decisions- and that others also have life-expeiences of their own, which makes them think their way is more correct- try to learn to respect that.

9. Steve Brizel
   July 16th, 2012 @ 10:00 pm

   Compare the most recent isssues of Jewish Action and Mishpacha-which issue exudes tolerance of all within the Mesorah, and which exudes a circle the fences attitude?

10. Bob Miller
    July 17th, 2012 @ 10:25 am

    Steve,

    What would you do to overcome other people’s circling the wagons outlook?

11. Judy Resnick
    July 17th, 2012 @ 1:43 pm

    I think part of the problem is that we literally don’t know when we’re supposed to play the part of Pinchas (to be zealous on behalf of the Torah) and when we’re supposed to play the part of Aharon (to extend words of conciliation and sholom to others). Sort of like the well-known “Serenity” prayer, we have to daven that HKBH (or at least Daas Torah) will grant us the wisdom to tell the difference.

    When do we go out to war, and when do we strive for peace?

12. Ron Coleman
    July 17th, 2012 @ 2:05 pm

    I’d like to know what in particular Steve is referring to as examples of the “circle the wagons” outlook.

    I’d also point out that out Mishpacha is an independent magazine, whereas Jewish Action is “the Magazine of the Orthodox Union.” Their editorial missions are hardly comparable.

13. Ron Coleman
    July 17th, 2012 @ 2:14 pm

    Hm. Interestingly, in this topically-related article in Jewish Action, Rabbi Hillel Goldberg, for his part, takes the position that there is less intra-orthodoxy strife than in past times! So too the Agudah’s Chaim Dovid Zweibel, but he explains it in this historical context:
    

    The “inherent tension” described by Rabbi Sherer characterized the complex relationship that existed at that time between Agudath Israel and the Orthodox Union. On many issues, the two organizations worked side-by-side, occasionally even hand-in-hand, to promote the interests of Torah Jewry. However, the OU’s membership in the Synagogue Council of America (an “inter-denominational” organization comprised of the major rabbinic and synagogue groups of the Reform, Conservative and Orthodox movements) was seen by the rabbinic leadership of Agudath Israel as a de facto legitimization of the heterodox movements and the kefirah they espoused—and hence drove an ideological wedge between Agudath Israel and the OU.

    Today, the Synagogue Council of America is no more. If there are mechitzot that still divide the OU and Agudah, they are far less visible than they were twenty years ago. And, indeed, the two organizations are far closer than they were twenty years ago.

    Eytan Kobre (my colleague at Mishpacha) seems to largely agree… but says this:
    

    A pursuit of unity not founded on Jews’ commonality of origin, destiny and purpose, all of which are rooted in our Divine paternity, may at times be worthwhile as a pragmatic matter, but it can lay no claim to the authentic Jewish conception of that ideal. Nor, for that matter, can Jewish unity possibly be invoked in furtherance of objectives that are injurious to the very relationship with God and His Torah that gives that unity its substance. Most importantly, a call for unity must be an authentic one. It ought not to be wielded as a blunt rhetorical instrument with which to silence views one finds disconcerting and homogenize away deep, and perhaps at times unbridgeable, ideological differences. Unity of purpose, but only in its true sense, can indeed be a powerful vehicle for the great goal of gilui kevod Shamayim [revealing the Glory of Heaven].

    Similarly, Rabbi Zweibel writes, “Taking a stand on principle does have the capacity to divide. But it also has the capacity to clarify, teach and elevate. Both the OU and Agudath Israel have no higher calling.”

    Of course, there are those to the right of the Agudah, and those to the left of the OU…

14. Bob Miller
    July 17th, 2012 @ 2:56 pm

    I read the JA symposium articles. Maybe I’m missing something, but it seems as if those who see strife diminishing believe that’s because the other guys have come a bit closer to their own positions! Is anyone saying “my group became more like the others”?

15. Ron Coleman
    July 17th, 2012 @ 3:07 pm

    Yes, Bob, I think you would have to say so. Says Rabbi Shlomo Riskin:
    

    I believe that the Modern Orthodox and Dati Leumi community has learned much about punctilious observance of commandments and serious commitment to Torah study from the Chareidim (the Yeshivat Hesder movement emerged from this) . . .

    I also think you’d have to say that Rabbi Goldberg, a true one-of-a-kind frum Jew, is not readily placed into either “camp.”

16. Neil Harris
    July 17th, 2012 @ 3:29 pm

    In the spirit of these comments, I’ll offer one of my favorite quotes:

    He who is strong in his conviction is even strengthened by the clear exposition of the opposite viewpoint. He who is strong in his conviction will welcome an open discussion based on mutual respect for the opponent’s opinion. Mutual intolerance betrays mutual weakness. Only he who is fully convinced can afford to be fully tolerant towards his opponent and yet remain adamant and stand his ground.

    Rav Shimon Schwab zt’l, from “These and Those”

17. Bob Miller
    July 17th, 2012 @ 4:36 pm

    Ron,

    From your vantage point, do you see any increasing convergence or tolerance?

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