Rejected By The Community
July 27th, 2010 - Guest Contributor
From the comments yesterday.
I am not sure if I’ve come to the right place, but I suppose I’ve got nothing to lose.
I am a Ba’al Teshuva of over a year and I am encountering issues/problems that are not ordinary. With Hashem’s help, I was able to get custody of my daughter and pull her out of a very horrible life. Since doing so and coming back to yiddushkeit, it has been very difficult to be accepted in a Jewish community.
I feel this mostly has to do with preconceptions and conclusions that people come to after meeting me one time. Although I have a Yeshiva education, I also have a very rough past which occurred after my parents divorced. I am aware that people fear what they don’t know, but if a Jew is making a consistent effort to keep a Glatt Kosher home that is Shomer Shabbat, does Torah-Mitzvot, is supporting minyanim and is engaged in Tanya and Germara study, why are there ugly politics involved in just existing in a community?
The subject of Ahavat Yisroel is constantly preached but it seems to be rarely practiced unless you are a ‘preferred’ member of the community. I will not mention the community I am in, but I am about sick and tired of the isolation, Loshan Hara, jealousy and unequal treatment.
We are poor. I am a single parent with a 9-year old daughter that loves Hashem more than anything. I am a professional musician, have learned to be a Chazzan (one thing they do like the way I sing) and also can function as a backup Ba’al Koreh. I have witnessed my daughter (who is converting) being rejected from Yeshiva while the children of full-blown non-Jews are being admitted into the school.
Maybe someone can tell me: Is Hashem trying to tell me something? Do I just not belong with my own people? The entire experience of Ba’al Teshuva has been a miserable road of suffering and degradation.
Anyone who knows what Ahavat Yisroel is and cares about it, I welcome them to get in touch with me. It would be a shame to come such a long way and have it fail. I can be reached at sephardic.chabadnick@gmail.com
Bracha Vi’Hatzlacha
July 27th, 2010 12:03
SC, there is so much you have not told us about your situation that it seems impossible to get at what the problem may be.
You say you have a yeshiva education, but consider yourself a ba’al teshuva — it sounds as if you really are one, as opposed to being a “BT” (i.e., a tinnok sh’nishbo [one raised without exposure to Torah] as most readers of this blog are). By your email address and your learning seder I might guess that you are a Chabadnik. I might venture as well from the former that you are sephardi, and that you did not start out in Chabad — not impossible, especially in Israel, but unlikely — and we can therefore also deduce that you are trying to graft yourself, because of what Chabad offers you, onto a community, a culture and a sensibility that are in important respects probably not “native” to your own or those of your daughter. And your daughter is, it appears, the product of an intermarriage.
That’s quite a load right there.
Being poor sure doesn’t help; it’s a long-standing problem in the Jewish world that that money speaks too loudly (Tevye: “And it won’t make one bit of difference / If I answer right or wrong / When you’re rich they think you really know”).) Being a musician is unconventional in the great wide world; more so in the orthodox world; even more so among Hasidim.
You don’t want to defame a particular community, and you shouldn’t of course. You also, in a great display of restraint, have also not shared what specific indignities you have suffered. But we do know this:
You present a highly unusual and unconventional picture in a community, whichever one it is, that probably prizes many aspects of conventionality for many good reasons. Among these are the intimacy that is shared and the trust that is given among those who are accepted as members. We know nothing about how you really conduct yourself in the group, but even assuming it is, indeed, all “normal,” still your family situation — past and present — and much else makes it hard for what may be a very tight-knit community to assimilate you readily and accept you as a “full member” as rapidly as you might want. Indeed many of us who have merit badges in “passing” as FFB’s realize we are, in the main, still not really accepted.
On the other hand, of course, this does not excuse rudeness, cruelty or transgressions of Jewish norms of behavior and halachic observance. And while you know that Hashem is looking out for you and that there are both Justice and a Judge in the universe, this likely provides little comfort to someone seeking to build a new life.
As much as you’ve told us, there’s so much more we don’t know. But you just might be with people who are not up to the task of taking you and your pek’l [baggage] on. Whether they should be or not is an academic subject.
Is there even one rov or other prominent or wise frum person with whom you have a bona fide relationship and with whom you can discuss the specifics, and perhaps get guidance?
July 27th, 2010 21:06
I think that it is appropriate to discuss the issue of whether Ahavas Yisrael is practiced with respect to BTs, Gerim and the less economically fortunate, as opposed to being utilized as a hashkafic slogans for supporting those who think like “unzerer”, regardless of one’s hashkafic label.
Like it or not, one cannot totally divorce this post from the issues of messianism within Chabad, which many, both within the Charedi and MO communities have raised many legitimate concerns, notwithstanding the many fine accomplishments of Chabad around the world.
July 27th, 2010 22:34
There is a saying that sometimes one can change bad Mazel by changing one’s location. Since you are so unhappy with your present community, is it possible that your life might be a little bit easier or better if you were to move to a more welcoming, friendlier environment? There are a number of frum communities that are actively seeking to have new members from elsewhere: Dallas, Texas and Waterbury, Connecticut are the two that immediately come to mind.
Maybe you should also consider seeking a shidduch with a compatible frum woman who would make a good wife to you and a good stepmother to your daughter. Poverty might not be an obstacle preventing this from happening. If you have good midos then your zivug or true match might not worry about the current financial situation, as that could change with siyata d’shmaya, Heavenly assistance.
July 28th, 2010 11:59
Steve, I hope nothing I wrote left you with an impression that I don’t agree with the point in your first paragraph.
I’m not sure I see the point of the second one — how messianism per se could exacerbate such problems. What I do know from hearing it first hand is that, even before that problem bubbled to the surface (i.e., I mean like 30 years ago), BT’s within Chabad found that as user-friendly as Lubavitch is to newcomers in general, they are seldom really accepted within the inner circles and “better families” that “really” control things, just as with many other hasidic (and non-hasidic) subcultures.
July 28th, 2010 14:57
I greatly admire Chabad’s inspired outreach programs, and their network of Chabad Houses across the world which provide reliably kosher food and Shabbos hospitality to Jewish travelers.
However, I have frequently thought about Chabad in connection with the line in Shir HaShirim: “Other vineyards have I kept, but my own vineyard I have not kept.” A sentiment similar in meaning to the English proverb about how the shoemaker’s children go unshod.
There are divorced Lubavitch BT’s, mainly women but also men like SC, who struggle daily with poverty and single parenting. Some of these individuals live only a few yards from Lubavitch World Headquarters at 770 Eastern Parkway in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. Yet it’s somehow sexier (so to speak) to devote resources to Chabad in India and Thailand, reaching out to not-yet observant college students in Michigan and professionals in Manhattan, than it is to help out Jews in one’s own neighborhood.
Chesed begins at home. Should Jews be dropped as soon as they become frum for the next outreach project? Are BT’s somehow not needy of help anymore once we take it upon ourselves to observe taryag mitzvos?
Maybe a smart BT should pretend to be not-yet-frum-but-still-considering-seriously-whether-or-not-to-become in order to get all of those goodies: free shmurah matzos, reduced yeshiva tuition for the kiddies, free tefillin, etc. All generously given to outreach “projects” by these outreach organizations trying to make Jews frum.
Which is the greater chesed? Putting tefillin on an elderly Jew in Florida who hasn’t worn them since his Bar Mitzvah sixty years ago? Holding High Holy Day services in Kiev, Ukraine? Or helping a poor BT single parent obtain a decent parnasa? If funds are limited, which one gets priority?
I find it sad that doing chesed for one’s own members in one’s own community isn’t considered as exciting as sending shluchim halfway across the world. Or that making sure that a poor BT in Crown Heights has a kosher chicken dinner for Shabbos is somehow not as important as making sure that a Jewish traveler in Bangkok has a kosher chicken dinner for Shabbos.
Years ago, I thought that there should be a “Second Step” organization for Baalei-Teshuvah and Gairim. Okay, you’ve become a frum Jew, now you observe kashrus and Shabbos, so now we drop you? No support system for navigating the confusion of life in the frum world? Is it like selling used cars to meet a monthly quota: now that you’re a success statistic let’s move on to convert the next one? I am not a good organizer so I never started this “Second Step” support system.
OK, life is not fair. It’s not fair that this Sephardic Chabadnik is being left to struggle on his lonesome with some very difficult life issues. With all of the gazillion Jewish organizations out there, is there no one he can turn to?
July 28th, 2010 16:41
I find your post extremely moving and important. I’m sorry to ask a slightly personal question, but are you in NYC? specifically in Brooklyn? the content of your post makes it sound like you live in a very populous area, where Jews might unfortunately sometimes show less ability to connect as individuals.
Moving might be an option, but sometimes it’s not so easy to do. I have a few thoughts to share, based on where you might reside now. hope you don’t mind providing this detail.
July 28th, 2010 18:06
judy, you’ve written very eloquently about this issue. but surely you must know that, although the problem can better be identified within lubavitch – given the neat geographical points on the compass we can service instead of our backyards – this issue is maybe the #1 problem faced by many BT’s, whether they deal with lubavitch or anyone else.
why is that so? i think it’s because helping people take that first step, getting them to open their eyes and see what judaism has to offer, is actaully easier than what comes next. yes, it’s very difficult sometimes to be able to connect people to judaism, but it’s exciting. it’s appealing. if you’ve got charisma, if you are a people person, and of course if you truly believe in your faith with a passion, you just might be able to help in this way. when we talk about hanging in there for the long haul – being there through the years to support people as they grow slowly, with repsect, with understanding and with finesse – how many people can really do that all that well?
the great secret is that even many rabbonim do not know how to do this. even when you find a rav who will answer your shailos – is he neccessarily someone who understands where you are coming from, knows what the q means and what its implications are?…the primary qualifications for someone becoming a rav are that he be a big talmid chacham and a baal halacha. no one said anything about his people skills, let alone his understandfing of a world that is peraps very different from the sheltered confines of where he grew up. rabbonim are not trained to be mentors, coaches, marriage counselors, social workers, advocates…it is the rare individual who knows how to do this. we need to find these people, give them the resorces to help more people, and grow their flocks.
sc, you gotta find someone who will help you work it out. hatzlacha!
July 28th, 2010 19:33
Hello, Mr. SC:
Welcome to the group.
I see you have already been offered some valuable advice. However, I would like to present my own response to your posting from a somewhat different angle.
I empathize with your difficult situation, and I hear that you have a lot of pain in your life right now.
You feel that most of the people around you are not giving you the proper respect, and you wonder if Ha-shem is rejecting you as well.
The first thing is — Don’t give up hope! When Ha-shem sends a Yid troubles, it’s not because He’s rejecting him, chas v’sholom, but rather He wants bring the Yid to be close to Him.
Imagine for a moment, if you will, a Yid who has it made in the shade. Everything is going his way — parnossah, children, marriage, a fancy house, a brand new car. He sits by the Mizrach wall, and everyone else bows in his direction. What a nebech! What does he have to daven for? Ha-shem has already given him everything he could want or need, because Ha-shem doesn’t want to hear from him.
In contrast, consider your own situation. You have so many things to daven for and so many opportunities to be close to Hakodosh Boruch Hu every moment. The seforim bring that the prayers of a poor person are the dearest, and the angels in charge of transmitting prayers bring them to Ha-shem express before any other prayers.
But, b’ezras Ha-shem, your situation will improve. Please be optimistic, and don’t give up!
S.A.
July 29th, 2010 08:00
S.A. wrote,
“Imagine for a moment, if you will, a Yid who has it made in the shade. Everything is going his way — parnossah, children, marriage, a fancy house, a brand new car. He sits by the Mizrach wall, and everyone else bows in his direction. What a nebech! What does he have to daven for? Ha-shem has already given him everything he could want or need, because Ha-shem doesn’t want to hear from him.”
This is a gross generalization, since many Jews in this situation are sincere spiritual strivers who realize that these gifts are meant to be tools for positive growth in Torah and Mitzvos.
July 29th, 2010 10:55
Before you go to Dallas or Connecticut, visit Sunnyside Queens (Young Israel, Rabbi Nesanel Lerman) to see if there is a shidduch in this small friendly community looking for members.
July 29th, 2010 13:08
“I’m not sure I see the point of the second one — how messianism per se could exacerbate such problems.” (Ron Coleman)
It’s pretty simple Ron. If SC was living in my community, and upon visiting him I observed a photo of the late Rebbe (zt”l) on the wall with a “Yechi” banner underneath, I would make no further visits to SC’s home and would choose not to let my children visit with his daughter in such an environment either. This is the sad reality of the schism within Orthodox Judaism that Chabad messianists have created between themselves and the rest of the Orthodox Jewish world.
If SC does not have a “Yechi” banner on his wall nor make it a habit to behave with messianic fervor in his community , then other reasons for his ostracism need to be explored.
July 29th, 2010 18:14
Bob Miller wrote,
“This is a gross generalization, since many Jews in this situation are sincere spiritual strivers . . .”
I would still stand by my generalization, since it is based on a shtikel from the Piascezner Rebbe’s sefer B’nei Machshovah Tovah.
However, my intention was not to disparage “successful” people (nor anyone else, for that matter). Rather, I was hoping to provide Mr. SC with some encouragement by explaining that anyone who suffers from yissurim is being given a numerous opportunities and incentives to be close to Ha-shem. We should not be jealous of people who are not suffering, inasmuch as they do not have those same opportunities and incentives.
S.A.
July 29th, 2010 18:32
Ok, Shua, but what it looks like here is that S.C. lives among Chabadniks. You’re certainly right, though: If he lives in a “mixed” community that would certainly explain a lot. I just didn’t hear that coming through this post.
July 31st, 2010 23:42
Judy,
Your comments are very interesting. As a Chabad BT myself, it’s something that I’ve observed a bit already. Right now I live in a community that is still growing and, B”H, they are very welcoming and accepting of any Jew, especially frum ones. But it seems that places like CH can sometimes make a BT feel unwelcome, unfortunately.
Hopefully one day all communities will learn to look after their own just as well as they look after others.
August 1st, 2010 10:16
There is a severe shortage of decent available men. If Mr. SC doesn’t abuse alcohol or drugs, and he’s at least half a mensch, then he probably should look for a shidduch. If he can find his true soulmate or zivug, someone to be a good wife to him and a loving stepmother to his daughter, that should help solve some of his problems. A supportive wife with a paycheck could take care of the immediate househeold expenses while Mr. SC retrains for some saleable skill. This doesn’t mean giving up music entirely; it only means getting some kind of a day job to cover the bills. Being part of a household with a wife and family could give Mr. SC the emotional encouragement and sense of belonging to the frum community that he currently lacks, particularly if his new wife were to have siblings and parents who accept Mr. SC as part of their extended mishpachah.