How did members of the XYZ community deal with this? Well, for years they simply used the telephone: they called up other rabbis to pasken shailos, obtain wise counsel and for comforting words when needed. The rabbis were just “speech zuggers” giving brilliant discourses on the parshah every week. Eventually the two rabbonim were replaced by others with better people skills.

Jeff could follow the lead of the XYZers and simply tell himself, “Well, Rabbi Plony is not really my own Rav,” and then find himself a different, kindlier Rav available by telephone for all of his personal and spiritual needs.

As to Mark’s point that:

“He is dedicated to a Shul in a place where there are not that many Orthodox Jews from how you describe it. This shows a degree of Mesiras Nefesh (dedication) that is not usually found.”

I’m not so sure that the the former necessarily leads to the latter. Often, Rabbonim with less than stellar people skills end up in out of town shuls because there is too much competition for the “in-town” jobs. Certainly, this is not always the case and, certainly, there are plenty of high caliber Rabbonim who go out of town and exhibit tremendous mesiras nefesh. I just don’t think that that is always the case.

Maybe write him an anonymous note.

I could probably get smichah if I really tried, but I am afraid to become a Rabbi because my people skills are not nearly good enough, and I fear this would result in a chillul H’.

He is dedicated to a Shul in a place where there are not that many Orthodox Jews from how you describe it. This shows a degree of Mesiras Nefesh (dedication) that is not usually found.

I would also assume that he is not rolling in the dough, so his financial sacrifices are also to be admired.

Thirdly, being a Rabbi is an extremely difficult job. They have to deal with the issues of many different people and they are constantly coming under attack. They are also charged with trying to raise and/or maintain the spiritual level of an entire congregation.

Once you can come to appreciate the Rabbi, and it will take time because we generally have a tendency to focus on the negative, you can start thinking about phase II, which consists of constructive criticism with the goal of correction.

Criticism is extremely difficult, but the number one rule to remember is the goal is to correct the behavior. If your words are not geared towards that goal, then you can cross the line to committing the aveira of Onoas Devorim.

Even with the right perspective you have to focus on what behavior you could possibly change and how to go about it. For example on the financial issue, you can express that you consider your family finances private and are uncomfortable with the Rabbi probing into them and would it be possible for him to respect your privacy in that matter.

Everything needs thought and the ability to try to predict what the results of your words will be. You will hopefully find that in this thoughtful process, you yourself will become an even better Jew as a result.