Comments on: Guess Whose Not Coming to Dinner?

By: Shepping Nachas

Shepping Nachas — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:44:19 +0000

Honestly, the best thing you could possibly do when considering entertaining not (yet) religious relatives, is to set aside any religious hopes/ aspirations and just really concentrate on ‘it’s so nice to see you again, let’s get to know eachother’s families.’ When I entertain friends/family members who are not yet/not quite Orthodox I make it a point to accept them as is. Tell your relative that you’d love to have them, and not to worry, they are welcome “as is” and will not have any religious observances/ rituals to perform; just a delicious meal, good company, and the opportunity to reconnect with family members. Good luck next time!

By: Ben-David

Ben-David — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:54:08 +0000

Sometimes a neutral venue is best.

In similar situations in future – suggest a restaurant or coffee in the lobby of their hotel.

Or an outdoor location geared to the children – I can imagine modern parents fearing that your house is run on more formal lines than theirs, and dreading having to discipline their children.

Less commitment than a home visit. And they feel closer to their safe zone.

By: tdr

tdr — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:37:09 +0000

Kiruv shmiruv — I’d be thrilled if my cousins came to dinner, even my exceptionally kind and wonderful non-Jewish ones. I find frumkeit to be a lonely place for a baal teshuvah. My parents are gone now. MY MIL is gone. My FIL can’t get around so well and rarely visits. Can’t we just ENJOY our FAMILIES without bringing our own personal agendas into it???

By: Judy Resnick

Judy Resnick — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:11:58 +0000

You don’t know, and may never know, what actually led to the dinner plans being cancelled. Maybe Jan’s husband, the one hundred per cent non-Jew, vehemently objected to dinner at your home. Maybe there were loud fights about it and wearily, for the sake of family unity and marital harmony, Adele reluctantly had to cancel. The main thing is that you did all you could to make it happen: grade yourself “A” for effort. Like the Yiddish saying, “Mentsch tracht und G-tt lacht,” man proposes and G-d disposes.

There is a Chassidishe mayse about how about two hundred years ago, a well-known rebbe was prepared to be the mohel at the Brit Milah of the infant son of one of his young followers. However, the young father’s own father-in-law was an enemy of Hasidim and opposed to this particular rebbe. While the young father and his rebbe were at Shacharis, the father-in-law got together a quick minyan, obtained his own mohel and accomplished the deed. The young father and the rebbe came back from davening ready to perform the Brit Milah on the baby, only to find it was already done!

The chasidishe rebbe later explained to his followers that because he was all ready to do the mitzvah of Brit Milah on that infant but the mitzvah was taken away from him by circumstances totally out of his control, it was deemed as if he had done the mitzvah perfectly, in its utmost best manner.

Similarly, Anxious Ima, who was ready to perform the mitzvah of Hachnosat Orchim to its utmost, using her finest table linen and tastiest recipes tailored to her guests’ food preferences (much like Avrohom Avinu killing a calf for the malachim), is counted in the Divine records, so to speak, as if she did the mitzvah to its highest level of perfection.

By: Mr. Cohen

Mr. Cohen — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:10:36 +0000

We are not always able to do things for kiruv, but at least we can always pray.

After I finish my normal Shemoneh Esrei, I recite addition requests in the paragraph that starts with the words: ELOKAI NETZOR. This is permitted by Halachah, just ask your local Orthodox Rabbi.

Several of the additional prayer requests I just mentioned are for teshuvah.

Some siddurim include Parshat HaTeshuvah, which is a prayer for teshuvah similar to the Parshat HaMann prayer. In my siddurim, it is printed two pages before the Parshat HaMann prayer.

Last but not least, if anyone reading this message has a Jewish web site or Jewish blog, then please link it to:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/DerechEmet/

By: Neil Harris

Neil Harris — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:14:02 +0000

beautiful post. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way you had wanted but, as you wrote, “This family reunion was not meant to be. Our paths were not meant to cross at this time. ”

Maybe another time. I think the fact that your cousin and her family knew you were making a meal that they could enjoy has merit on its own.

By: Mark Frankel

Mark Frankel — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:06:46 +0000

Kiruv is Chesed. And Chesed is giving to the person what they need.

It’s not simple determining what another person needs at a given point of their life, but I think you’re thoughts were wonderful and you were prepared to give them everything they needed to feel comfortable in your home.

I just had a thought, perhaps you can send them a video greeting of your and your kids telling them you’re sorry they couldn’t make it, but you wanted them to see the family and your home anyway.

By: tesyaa

tesyaa — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:48:12 +0000

When this type of kiruv opportunity presents itself, it’s always a good thing to ask: would I be as enthusiastic about getting together with these people if there were NO possibility of kiruv? Would I welcome them an enjoy their company anyway? If not, there’s always the possibility that the guest may feel that they’re a kiruv case, rather than a genuinely desired guest.

Personally, I feel that sincerity is everything. Were you planning to be upfront with your relatives about your kiruv hopes? Or what?

By: Cyn Schoenbrun

Cyn Schoenbrun — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:02:23 +0000

To this day I regret that I did not do whatever was necessary to get my husband to agree to let my parents come for Shabbos (read Friday night) or the seder….I would have (and did) offer them the opportunity to stay over, but I did not really “know the script” and my husband was adamant about them not coming and then driving home. What an incredibly lost opportunity.

I think, with the efforts you put into preparations, you would have done just fine – it meant so much to you, and you have a shared family histroy that will enrich any conversation.

I’ve learned we can’t/shouldn’t give up any opportunity for kiruv; to many stories about ba’alei tshuva show Hashem’s hand when we may have though otherwise.

Cyndi