Dealing With Lack of Appreciation
Posted on | February 3, 2010 | By Administrator | 7 Comments
People involved in Communal and Chesed projects know that it is not unusual for the recipients to not show adequate (or sometimes any) appreciation. Although at the higher levels of Chesed we should not care about the appreciation shown, it can be troublesome sometimes.
How have people dealt with this situation either internally or through verbal expression to the recipients?
Category: Question of The Week
Comments
7 Responses to “Dealing With Lack of Appreciation”
Leave a Reply
Get BeyondBT Via Email
Recent Comments
- Mark Frankel said Shmuel, that’s an interesting dichotomy you&...
- shmuel said Using the quotes from the article as a jumping off...
- sharona said People should act peacefully and respectful toward...
- Menachem Lipkin said Steve, while I disagree with your characterization...
- Steve Brizel said Menachem & Mark-I think that the best reaction...
Recent Posts
Links
- 613 Free Torah Audio
- A Simple Jew
- A Thin Thread Of Faith
- Aish
- Aliyah L'Torah
- Ben’s Tallit Shop
- Binyan Haolam
- Breslov.org
- Chabad
- Classic Sinai Free Mp3s
- Congregation Ahavas Yisroel
- Cross Currents
- Darche Noam/Shapells
- Derech Emet
- Dixie Yid
- Emes Ve-Emunah
- Hashevaynu
- Hashkafah.com
- Healthy Jewish Cooking
- Heichal Hanegina
- Hirhurim
- Ilene Rosenblum
- Jewish Heritage Center
- Jewish News Portal
- Jrants
- Judaism For Grown-Ups
- JWisdom – Uplifting Downloads
- Kabbalah Made Easy
- Kol Hashiurim
- Kosher Home Cooking
- Lazer Beams
- Loose Ends – Tzitzit and Tefillin Blog
- Manhattan Jewish Experience
- Mark from Milwaukee
- Modern Uberdox – Neil Harris
- Mystical Paths
- Na’aleh Online Torah Videos
- Observant Judaism HQ
- Ohr Avraham
- Ohr Somayach
- Ohr Somayach NY
- Open Minded Torah
- Orthodox Union
- Partners in Torah
- Pure Torah
- Rabbi Berel Wein
- Rabbi Label Lam
- Rabbi Yakov Horowitz
- Repenting Jewess
- SerAndEz
- Shir HaLev
- Shiur.Com
- Simple To Remember
- Study in Israel
- Sweet Rose
- Temunot – David Linn
- Teshuva en español
- The Jews Report
- The Rebbetzins
- The Shmuz
- Torah Central Station
- Torah from Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus Z"L
- Torah Ideals
- Torah Web
- Torah.Org
- TorahAnytime.com
- Tradition of Kindness
- Web Yeshiva
- Yad L'Shuv
- Yad L'Shuv Foundation
- YU Torah
Meta
Search
Shul Politics
Popular Posts
- How Can We Avoid Alienating our Families and Breaching Our Values?
- Are BTs Treated as Second Class Citizens?
- Why do Frum Jews Purchase Anti-Orthodox and Anti-Israel Periodicals?
- How Would You Describe Your Secular Knowledge Integration Strategy
- Concerts, Intellectual Understanding and Rabbinic Authority
- Who’s Cracked the Code on Frum Finances?
- Why Do Observant Jews Generally Vote Republican?
- Major Problems Facing the Jewish People
Advisors
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz (Monsey)Rabbi Herschel Welcher (Kew Gardens Hills)
Project Administrators
Mark Frankel (Kew Gardens Hills)David Linn (Kew Gardens Hills)
Current Contributors
Email us at beyondbt@gmail.com if you would like to contributeAzriela Jaffe (Highland Park, NJ)
Bracha Goetz (Baltimore, MA)
Neil Harris (Chicago)
Rabbi Yonason Goldson (St. Louis)
Ron Coleman (Passaic)
Guest Contributors
Past Contributors
Akiva (Eretz Yisroel)Aliza Hausman (Bronx, NY)
Anxious Ima (Eretz Yisroel)
Aryeh Leib Ecker (Kew Gardens Hills)
A Simple Jew (United States)
Avrahom-Moishe Erlenwein (Postville, Iowa)
Belle (New Jersey)
Bob Miller (Indianapolis, IN)
Chava Ashkenazi (Ramat Bet Shemesh)
Daniel Rosenthal (Passaic)
David Kirschner (Kew Gardens Hills)
Dixie Yid (The South)
Eliahu Levenson (Toronto)
Fern (California)
Frumhouse (Chicago)
Ilanit Meckley (Houston)
Jewish Deaf Motorcycle Dad (Virginia)
Judy Resnick (Far Rockaway)
Leah Levenson (Toronto)
Katrin (Modiin)
Kressel Housman (Monsey)
Maya (New York City)
Melech (Passaic)
Menachem Lipkin (Bet Shemesh)
Meyer (Atlanta)
Michael Goodheart (Jerusalem)
Michael Gros (Ramat Beit Shemesh)
Michoel (Baltimore)
Ora (Jerusalem)
Phyllis (Dallas)
Rabbi Alter Klein (Bet Shemesh)
Rabbi David Schallheim (Jerusalem)
Rabbi Daniel Travis (Har Nof)
Rabbi Label Lam (Monsey)
Rabbi Lazer Brody (Ashdod)
Rabbi Max Weiman (St. Louis)
Rabbi Mayer Schiller (New Square)
Rabbi Moshe Zionce (Toronto)
Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg (Los Angeles)
Rabbi Zev Kahn (Chicago)
Rachel Adler (U Penn)
Rebecca Weiser (U Texas)
Rivkah (Baltimore)
Ross Kryger (TriState Area)
Shayna (Monsey)
Shirah Shuraqui (Toronto)
Shoshana (Passaic)
Shoshanna Silcove (Melbourne)
Simon Synett (Ramat Beit Shemesh)
Steve Brizel (Kew Gardens Hills)
Susanne Goldstone (Washington Heights)
William Kolbrener (East Coast)
Yaakov Astor (Monsey)
Yaakov Eric Ackland (East Coast)
Categories
- Abuse
- Achdus
- Advice
- Amazing BTs
- Announcements
- Anti-Missionary
- At Risk
- Attitudes
- Becoming Observant
- Big Challenges
- Bilvavi
- Bitachon
- Book Review
- BT Movement
- BT Support Infrastructure
- Campus BTs
- Chanukah
- Character Development
- Chesed
- Chinuch
- Community
- Conferences
- Conformity
- Conversion
- Cooking
- Davening
- Death
- Derachim
- Disappointments
- Dvar Torah
- Education
- Elul
- Emuna
- Enthusiasm
- Eretz Yisroel
- Essays
- Events
- Explaining Judaism
- Family
- Famous BTs
- Fast Days
- Financial Matters
- Finding a Rav
- Friends
- Gedolim
- Genealogy
- Gratitude
- Great Jews
- Great Seforim
- Growth
- Halacha
- Hashkafa
- Hesped
- Holocaust
- Identity
- Individuality
- Inspiration
- Integration
- Intermarriage
- Internet Usage
- Interpersonal Relationship
- Introspection
- Israel
- Issues
- Jewish History
- Jewish Lifecycle
- Jewish Survival
- Jewish Thought
- Kavanna
- Keeping Kosher
- Kiruv
- Knowledge Gap
- Learning
- Links
- Living In America
- Making Choice
- Mazal Tov
- Mentors
- Mesillas Yesharim
- Middos
- Miscellaneous
- Mishpacha BT Symposium
- Music
- Mussar
- News
- Off the Derech
- Outreach
- Parenting
- Parents
- Parsha
- Past Life
- Pesach
- Petira
- Pirkei Avos
- Plateauing
- Practical Issues
- Prayer
- Press
- Primacy of Torah
- Project Notes
- Public Service
- Purim
- Question of The Week
- Rejuvenation
- Relatives
- Rosh Chodesh
- Ruchnius/Gashmius
- Schools
- Sensitivities
- Shabbos
- Shalom Bayis
- Shavuos
- Shepping Nachas
- Shidduchim
- Shiur
- Shiva Information
- Simcha
- Slice of Life
- Society
- Stories
- Tefillah
- Tehillim
- Teshuva
- Teshuva Journeys
- Tisha B'Av
- Tolerance
- Torah Poetry
- Tznius
- Video
- What is Torah Judaism
- Women's Issues
- Work
- Yahrzeits
- Yeshiva
- Yom Tovim
- Yomim Noraim




February 3rd, 2010 @ 12:25 pm
When I was a freshman at YU, I attended recall R Lamm once giving a Shabbos night lecture and he discussed the issue of chessed and volunteering. He said emphatically that the first thing you must tell yourself before doing a chessed is, “Don’t expect thanks”.
I think that it’s hard at times for recipients to show appreciation because they may be embarassed by their need for a “chessed”.
I know with our kids, we attempt to say thank you in the house as much as possible. If kids see adults saying thank you to each other (or even better, verbally to Hashem), that makes a big difference.
February 3rd, 2010 @ 5:08 pm
I once heard RHS quote RYBS, based upon the Halachos related to Aveilus that are apparent in Parshas Vayechi that the highest form of Chesed is that for which there is no expectation of any reward. OTOH, if an organization deems a person worthy of a small token of appreciation ( aka a modern day Korban Tzibur), then the issue becomes whether one should run away from such a request inasmuch the community and organization deem the person as so deserving and whether the refusal in such a case is a true display of Anavah or Gaavah masking itself as Anavah.
February 3rd, 2010 @ 9:17 pm
Sometimes chesed is done improperly. The doer may mean well, but unfortunately the action might not be what that person wants or needs. I remember that a particular Rabbanit once made me her chesed project. The Rabbanit decided that the rooms in my house needed painting (don’t ask). She called up my mother to send a check to pay for it. Then the Rabbanit chose the colors herself and hired a painter who actually showed up one day with his crew and cans of paint. I sent him away, saying to him, “Look you can’t come to paint my house just because someone else tells you to do it, I have to hire you.” I tried to explain nicely to the Rabbanit that wasn’t what I needed at that point in my life, the humiliation of having someone else making decisions for me. What I would have appreciated far far more than the Rabbanit unilaterally deciding what I needed, would have been a quiet chat with the Rabbanit actually listening to what I had to say.
February 4th, 2010 @ 2:08 am
You bring up a very good point, Judy. Part of the Torah’s definition of Chessed, is that it’s what “someone needs”.
February 7th, 2010 @ 4:30 pm
I used to be involved with activities on befalf of my fellow Jews. Some people were very appreciative; some the opposite.
If you are going to do things for the community, you must do it because you believe that it is the correct thing to do, regardless of what others think, and because you believe in Yom HaDin and Gan Eden and Olam HaBa.
You can not rely on appreciation from people, especially of you are involved in an unusual or non-traditional cause that many people will not understand.
February 7th, 2010 @ 8:26 pm
I went to a Bar Mitzvah today of someone who moved from our neighborhood 12 years ago and we have kept in touch sporadically so my wife and I were wondering why we we’re invited since we’re not that close.
When I went, I found out that the Bar Mitzvah boy was born on Erev Shabbos after 1:00 PM and my wife and I put together the Shalom Zucker for them. As a show of HaKaros HaTov we were invited to the Bar Mitzvah 13 years later.
February 8th, 2010 @ 5:03 pm
That is awesome, Mark. Being Makir Tov is something that goes a long way.