Figure out what you can afford to pay in cash (IE NO DEBT) and stick to that number. We made our son’s Brit in our living room and served bagels. Fancy no, but it cost us about 1500 NIS ($350) which is what we could afford to spend.

Oh and everyone had a nice time.

Don’t be afraid to spend what you can afford and not more. Do you really want to still be paying for your simcah 5 years after later?

That could happen if the parents divorced and remarried other people, so that the Bar Mitzvah boy acquired the relatives of his stepmother and his stepfather. Particularly if this happened at a young age, the step-grandfathers might feel as close to the boy as his two biological grandfathers.

Planning such a simcha to include all of the relatives, both by blood and by marriage, requires the tact of a diplomat and the brains of a physicist.

This reminds me of a chess problem where one side winds up with three knights. Yes, it’s possible to have three grandfathers.

Fewer older male relatives = fewer speeches, not necessarily a disadvantage for the boys and his friends! (Disclaimer: since everyone on this site is so serious, I will just say that I KNOW words of Torah are special and important, but half a dozen long speeches do not necessarily add to a simcha). And my kids are not embarrassed to have non-frum relatives; in most communities a lot of people have them hiding in their own closets. :)

And most of all, enjoy your simcha! You’ve worked hard to reach this milestone in your family’s life, now it’s time to have fun! Don’t worry – no one will notice if the caterer served a different appetizer then the one you’d expected. They will remember if it was leibidich.

With four daughters of my own, I genuinely did not mean to slight Bnos Mitzvah, but it seems IMHO that the hashkafa varies widely on how to best mark this important day in a young Bas Yisroel’s life. Sometimes girls want to do exactly what the other girls in their class are doing, and sometimes they want something entirely different.

On separate versus mixed seating, I think you really have to go with what your own Posaik tells you. I’ve heard of people doing some mixed tables for workplace associates and relatives, along with separate tables for the frummer velt. It is good to hear that some divorced couples do put aside the bitterness to make a family joint simcha; obviously, everybody’s life situation is unique. I genuinely do agree with the commenter about how it’s the Bar Mitzvah boy’s special day, not his relatives. Possibly everybody can be accommodated by having something special just for the boy and his friends (maybe Sat. night pizza and ice skating) plus another party for the aunts, uncles and cousins (doesn’t have to cost a lot). As I said above, maybe the Bar Mitzvah boy really most of all would like a trip to Israel (it might possibly be more affordable than a huge catered extravaganza). Continue the conversation!

There is no reason for ALL divorced people to skip the two-head/two-bank account paragraph. My ex and I made two nice Bat Mitzvahs very cooperatively. We will G-d willing do the same for weddings. I have also seen divorced people set aside bitter differences to walk down the aisle on either side of their child. (who walks down with whom, i.e. two mothers with bride, two parents with their own child, is something that varies widely regardless of parents’ marital status.)

You mentioned that you have four daughters, but you didn’t mention any type of Bat Mitzvah commemoration for them. While the types of public celebrations for girls reaching the age of majority are quite varied, the personal commemoration of this milestone for the young woman should not be neglected.

Finally, appeasing Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Max (or one’s own relatives from Jewish Central Casting) shouldn’t be the ONLY reason to have an alternative to completely separate seating, but there are other ways to halachically hitch a couple. Within my shul, and even within particular families, I have seen variations: completely separate, mostly mixed/some separate, and almost completely separated with one or two mixed tables.

Thanks for your thoughtful musings, and also for searching out the inner reaches of beyondbt.com. Thanks to your comments, I have read many older posts that I did not know existed.

I’ve seen signs of hope that things can get better.

In Kew Gardens Hills you can have a small Bar Mitzvah although the majority of people are still spending a lot of money.

Weddings cost a fortune but there are some Chasidic groups which are trying to set an under $10,000 wedding.

Just imagine if we were able to bring the expectations down, closer to Eretz Israel, how much money we would save and I don’t think it would be any less of a Simcha.