Healthy Self-Love
November 5th, 2009 - Rabbi Max Weiman
A friend of mine told me his daughter bought him a kipah that’s half velvet and half knit, that says “I love every Jew” in Hebrew. Cute idea that expresses an important point we all need to think about more. Many of my fellow baalei-teshuva have an easy time saying “We should love all different kinds of Jews”. But some of us don’t easily fit in anywhere so it’s easy to say lets love everyone when you don’t really love anyone. Not that “not fitting in” is synonymous with not loving, but we all tend to develop a love for the members of our “group”, and cast aspersions on the others.
Within Orthodoxy against other Orthodox Jews or between Orthodox and Reform etc. Do we really need to puff ourselves up by denigrating others? If you really felt one with the Almighty, that you were an emissary of the Infinite Creator, would you feel the need to denigrate Reform Jews? As Baalei Teshuva, do we have an easier time loving all Jews or a harder time loving all Jews? If we have an easier time we need to share our thoughts with our fellow FFB’s. If we have a harder time, we need to learn from great people like R. Zelig Pliskin, and others how to generate more ahavas Yisroel.
Here’s one tip from our sages:
Healthy criticism is important and we do need to point out flaws in others to avoid them or help others avoid those flaws, but that mitzvah seems to be a little overdone. (The Chofetz Chaim cautions us regarding this in Clal Ches.) There’s more than enough of that going around.
Why does it say to love your fellow man like yourself? Why not just say “love your fellow man”? R. Moshe Rosenstein wrote that a person cannot properly fulfill the mitzvah of ahavas Yisrael if that person doesn’t feel good about his/herself. When you have a healthy self-love you can magnanimously pour your thoughts prayers and actions into others. They are an extension of you. When you feel crummy about yourself, you often will project that onto others. As the gemara says, “kol bmumo posel”. All people criticize others with their own flaws.
Whatever particular group you align yourself with, even if it’s just “observant Judaism”, or the Jewish people, or even just humanity, it’s crucial to feel good about yourself and that group. This doesn’t mean excusing flaws or ignoring areas in which we need to grow. It’s also crucial to be interested in growth. But we especially need to focus on our good points. We need to constantly reflect on what we are doing right, and what is positive about us. Not to put down others, but to appreciate ourselves.
From that base of healthy self-love we can spread it to everyone else.
November 5th, 2009 17:41
Love is good, and hatred is good, both in their proper time. I cannot love a Peace Now activist even of the best Jewish descent
November 5th, 2009 23:54
Alex, you just completely missed the point.
November 6th, 2009 09:03
Not all negative opinions about other people come from projection of our own defects or from some other personal flaw we have. Sometimes it comes from genuine righteous indignation at evil acts the other person has done, or evil ideologies he has adopted.
Nevertheless, indignation that is not focused on improvement can be unproductive. We Jews, even if we have misbehaved, were chosen for a purpose. Out of Ahavas Yisrael, we should do our best to reconnect wayward Jews with Judaism, starting by setting our own good example.
November 8th, 2009 18:25
Sefer Pele Yoetz, written by Rabbi Eliezer Papo, who lived from 1785 to 1826, contains a chapter titled: Ahavat Atzmo, Self-Love.
If my memory is correct, Ahavat Atzmo is the first chapter of Sefer Pele Yoetz.
At this time, I csn not find my Sefer Pele Yoetz, so I can only offer is this:
Sefer Pele Yoetz, chapter Ahavat Atzmo:
We must avoid places where there is even a doubt of a doubt of danger to human life.