Dealing With Doubts on the Teshuva Process
November 12th, 2008 - JDMDad
I recently read a D’var Torah that really spoke to me. Part of it focused on Devarim (Deuteronomy) 25: 17-19
“Remember what Amalek did to you on the road, on your way out of Egypt. That he encountered you on the way and cut off those lagging to your rear, when you were tired and exhausted; he did not fear G-d. Therefore… you must obliterate the memory of Amalek from under the heavens. Do not forget.”
It then brought us back to Shemoth (Exodus) 17:1-8, when the Jewish people just left Egypt and camped in Rephidim. There was no water to drink. The people questioned “Is G-d in our midst or not?” This was right after departing Egypt, after the 10 plagues, the miracle of the parting of the Reed Sea, etc. After such miraculous events, how could they question “Is G-d with us?” Moses is so annoyed that he names the place “Challenge and Strife.” Then, right after the Jews showed doubt in Hashem, the nation of Amalek attacked from the rear, picking out the weakest and destroying them.
Next, the D’var torah pointed out that the Hebrew word for doubt (safek) has a gematria, or numerical value of 240. This is the same numerical value for Amalek. And when words have the same value, it shows they are interconnected. Thus the fight against Amalek can also be seen as a fight against doubt.
For me as someone trying to become more observant, this is something I constantly face. Why do I try so hard to keep kosher? It would be so much easier for me if I went back to only keeping kosher in the home, but eating anything, or even just “vegetarian” outside the home. Why do I bother being Shomor Shabbos? Does it really make that much of an impact that I don’t check my email, or watch TV? After all, I survived for many years not keeping it. Why keep struggling?
And the biggest doubt of all. Why am I becoming observant at all? Is it really worth doing? Who the heck am I doing it for anyway? Does G-d really care what I do? Little ol’ me? After all, I’m just a speck in the grand scheme of everything.
The D’var torah ends by talking about how to defeat Amalek, and thus doubt. It points out that Amalek is irrational and counterintuitive. To overcome him, we need Faith/Emunah. It is not something we develop, but rather it’s something already inside of us that needs to be unveiled.
And subconsciously, that’s what I’ve been using most of the time to quell these doubts. I’m doing it because I’m seeing the truth in the Torah, and how it relates to all people, even little ol’ me. And if that’s true, then the Torah as a whole shouldn’t be treated as a “Chinese Menu” (e.g. I’ll take two from column A, and 1 from column B, I don’t need anything from column C.) I have faith that there is a reason for everything, even if I don’t yet know what it is. Seeing it spelled out, especially with the allegory of Amalek helps to strengthen my faith even more. Will I ever completely defeat doubt? Probably not. Like all epic battles, it’ll probably be one fought through the ages (at least until the Moshiach comes). But at least the tools to fight it off are more clear.
November 12th, 2008 02:59
nice. Thanx for the humble simplicit. It’s a battle we must all wage. I for one can vouch that these doubts often resurface davka after one of those amazing Y. Mitzraiim experiences.
As we say in tfilla: Ha’seir Satan m’lifneinu u’m'achareinu / may the Satan be removed from before AND AFTER us. It’s referring to Mitzvos. Before = all that stuff that keeps us from doing ratzon H’. After = those doubts that plague us once we’ve begun.
One thing is sure. The Sages anticipated these conflicts.
November 12th, 2008 06:49
great message, I’m sure many can relate
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Some things that help me are remembering that every mitzvah I do brings positive spiritual energy that helps the world. And aveirahs(sins) bring damage. We might not notice that, but it happens none the less. – On a personal level, we have these mitzvos to help us connect to G-d. They might become routine after a while, but that’s when our new challenge comes to do it with meaning and joy again
shalom
November 12th, 2008 13:46
It points out that Amalek is irrational and counterintuitive.
On some level, Amalek is the mirror image of the Jewish mission as well, which is in its own way, also irrational and counterintuitive in the sense of a particularist relationship with an activist God. In a more universal sense, the human condition defies logic and explanation. In fact, one could argue that Amalek is responding very negatively to a leap of faith that the human condition means anything at all, to the declared mission of Israel and the negation of that special mission, or any mission at all. The Israelite and Amalek positions represent the two extreme poles of human interpretation of why we are here.
And if that’s true, then the Torah as a whole shouldn’t be treated as a “Chinese Menu” (e.g. I’ll take two from column A, and 1 from column B, I don’t need anything from column C.)
If you push the vast majority of world Jewry to the wall and demand all or nothing, you are not going to be happy with the answers.
Perhaps instead, we should allow for varying degrees of literalism that we and others attach to our respective theologies, as well as the cost of not recognizing any mission beyond our own egos and desires. While this might sound too fluffy for some, and many Orthodox frequently downplay the importance of non-Jews, I would note that the Torah does record varying responses of other nations to these questions that all of mankind face — or at least, should be grappling with.
November 12th, 2008 14:57
excellent! exactly what I needed today! Thank you.
November 12th, 2008 15:25
This was a great post. Doubt of the effect of mitzvos on ourselves and the world is a major factor in the current trend of adults either falling into the OTD category or issue of “Timtum HaLev”- a blockage/hardness of heart.
It seems the current Yetzer Hara is to forget that there’s a constant battle.
November 13th, 2008 10:36
DK-Actually, there are famous Talmudic passages which indicates that all of the nations of the world were indeed offered the Torah and rejected it because of their objections to a critical portion of the Aseres HaDibros or their inability to fulfil a simple and relatively easy positive commandment, namely Sukkah.
Of course, Amalek represents the negative response to that committment which one can find in the writings of all critics of Judaism from Tactitus to Hitchens. More fundamentally, wnen one examines the universalist counter response, it degenerated into such utopian nightmares as Nazism and Communism.In a real sense, Amalek represents the continued rejection of the unique combination of the universal and the particular that constitutes Torah, Halacha and Mesorah.
November 13th, 2008 12:01
DK said, “If you push the vast majority of world Jewry to the wall and demand all or nothing, you are not going to be happy with the answers.”
Nevertheless, all Jews will ultimately choose to do exactly that—all. If we can help to persuade them (this is not the same as demanding), that day will come sooner.
As the Aleinu prayer details, we look for the day that the other peoples of the world will sign on, too.
November 13th, 2008 15:37
DK said, “If you push the vast majority of world Jewry to the wall and demand all or nothing, you are not going to be happy with the answers.”
AND ‘pushing someone to the wall’ and ‘demanding’ is very different from an acknowledgement that the ‘right’ thing is the ALL.
There’s a vast difference between ‘not for me/I have a right to select which mitzvos *I* believe have value’ and ‘I will start with X and not Y because it speaks to me but I understand ALL to be something to strive for.
November 13th, 2008 17:33
This post touched me. I too am trying to be more observant – you have voiced so many of my thoughts so well. thanks!
November 13th, 2008 18:00
Hi, and thanks for all the comments so far. Sorry I didn’t get to reply earlier, things have been busy. Anyway, Bob Miller and LC, thanks for your replies, you said it better than I could have articulated. And DK, one thing I guess I didn’t make clear is that I was talking about just for ME. I don’t presume to speak for, or to anyone else as to what they should do or how they should interpret things. (see http://www.beyondbt.com/?p=821)
yy – Thanks for the “before and after” reference, that makes a LOT of sense!
December 29th, 2008 02:06
A question for the author of this post and the commentors:
I struggle not with my emunah in Hashem, not with the belief that the Torah is truth, but with the actual laborious nature of Judaism. I personally feel bogged down by the minute mitzvos, the zman (time) constraints, the feeling like I’ll turn into a pumpkin if I am late for shobbas, G-d forbid. I will never get over the annoyance of a constricting shetiel. The list goes on. I understand we are instructed to be an Ohr Legoying and Kadoshim Tih’yu, but I could be that without worrying about so many of the little things. There are boundaries and then there is feeling suffocated. I try to have my emuanah and the seeing of daily nissim Hashem sends me be motivating factors, but it starting not to be.
This might also answer the author of the “Norman” post where the author and a commenter are puzzled at how a person could believe in the Truth of Torah Judaism yet choose no to do it.