As a matter of fact, when my husband (FFB) and I recently paid a shivah call together, the mourner’s husband and mine were marvelling over a printed pamphlet with all the “grammatically correct” forms. Neither of them had ever seen anything other than the generic ‘hamakom y’nachem etchem’; Artscroll, the standard Lubavitch siddur, and any other siddurim or pamphlets they had ever come across previously only ever listed the one form, and one of them commented on how using the plural always is a reminder that the mourner is not truly alone.

On another related note, the *last* shiva call I made, several FFB women shared a siddur to say the ‘hamakom’ because they either hadn’t had the need, or just hadn’t had the opportunity to make shiva calls themselves.

May all of this duscussion prove irrelevant to our personal lives, and may the coming year be one of only revealed good and bracha for all of k’lal Yisroel.

And it’s okay to add your own personal thoughts afterwards, “I hope we meet again under happier circumstances,” or “Please call me if you want to talk.” In my experience even some FFB mourners appreciate that more than hearing the same Hebrew words mumbled over and over.

Ron: the version of the formula is determined by the number and gender of the mourners, but only one word changes: ‘eschem’ becomes ‘oscha’ for one man, ‘osach’ for one woman, eschen for many women; it remains ‘eschem’ for a group of men and women together. Some say ‘eschem’ regardless, so don’t worry if you can’t remember the changes.

Miriam: there’s nothing wrong with looking in a siddur during havdala. There’s even an opinon that it’s better to read the text inside than say it by heart.

Esti: even though we direct our comments to the mourner, it’s also a prayer at the same time. Like all prayers, it’s okay to daven in a language we understand: HKBH cares more about our emotional connection than the exact syntax and letters. Rachmana liba ba’i, and tefilla is avoda shebalev.

After the loss of my father and being on the receiving end of many offers of “Hamakom”, I found it very difficult to say it when making a shiva call to another mourner. My emotions at the others’ shiva house were somewhat tied into my own loss. The post mentioned that the BT had a recent loss and this may have contributed to the difficulty in saying “Hamakom”.

I’m not negating the pain. In fact, I mentioned that the discomfort is “real and not to be discounted”. I also think that Hirshel’s awareness and sensitivity is wonderful and I loved the post. However, I think that some may allow that pain or discomfort to dissuade them from making a shiva visit or comforting mourners. Then we’ve really lost the forest for the trees.

If someone gets caught short and can’t remember the proper phrase (and Ron, it’s not as simple as you might think for someone to memorize it since there is a certain amount of pressure and even those who memorize things for a living trip up under pressure) I think that telling the mourner that you hope that they will be comforted, as others have already mentioned, would be appropriate.

Marty

Here’s a good idea: Memorize the one line of “hamakom yenachem.” Although there are different versions depending on whether you talking to a man or a women, get the one you’re mostly likely to say down (the only difference is “yenachen” for a woman) by learning it. Learn it by practicing it a bunch of times, then know it, then avoid pain and embarrassment. No free ride.

Meanwhile I will once again mess up the “long version” of that one line we say after davening Rosh Hashanah night and end up bailing out with “gam l’mar!”