I would simply follow the Seven Noachide Coammandments, and to earn more merits, I would try to do things to help Jews.

Now I’m on the path of my conversion and it can be so frustrating. Seems like so many FFB and BT’s think I should have taken my ticket out, so to speak. I know this is typical for most gerim, but I feel much like they can’t comprehend that the circumstances don’t leave one feeling or thinking like your “typical” gerim. For all my life, I was Jewish. I thought I was BT. No one ever questioned me when they thought that was true.

But even so, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hashem put me on this path for a reason, and I’ll figure that out in due time.

I feel a lot of pain for those who discover years later that they are “Not-Really-Jews”, and I am appalled at the insensitive response of too many kiruv people and organizations.

Having said that, the struggle of my giur and my life as a religious Jew, wife, and mother here in Israel (no family, little money) leads me to conclude that too many BTs are, well, a little whiny.

We converts go through the religious equivalent of Marine training. (“The Few. The Proud. The Gerei Tzedek.”) As you point out, we go into Yahadut without expecting an easy path and a big hug. I will never forget the words of one of the rabbanim on my beit din, “For a Jew, NOTHING is difficult”. I will never forget breaking my teeth over mishnayot when my Hebrew was little more than aleph-bet, and being told that this was definitely worthwhile, and really very easy. After years of being a top student, I found myself one of the slow ones (especially in reading out loud) in my admittedly high-paced ulpan.

It was really hard, but like most serious challenges, it brings a tremendous sense of acoplishment–I can learn any sefer I set my mind to, I read, write, and live my life in Hebrew, and have 5 children who can be described as “very Israeli”.

I am not Superman and am clever and hard-working but not brilliant. I’m no hero; I slack off too much, but having seen that Judaism really is an “open book”, it’s hard to sympathize with those who got it all “al kapit shel kessef”.

The most wonderful gift I have received is that I know in my heart of hearts that I could give my life “al kiddush Hashem” if I had to. I’ve done it already millions of times in little tiny bites.

No doubt I understand the halachiac sensitivities present; and halacha should never be brushed aside. However, you are usually dealing with young people who are at a critical junction of their lives and can be very impressionable and sensitive. That and they do not always understand that there is more to halacha than being “a bunch of old rules”. Understand that it is a tough move to be a secular, cultural, non-observant “Jew” and even take small steps to becoming frum.

I myself am a non-Jew completely. I was born to two non-Jewish parents and had a Reform conversion (which at that time seemed like a big step) when I was 21. I knew from the beginning the issue that if I wanted to affiliate with the other strain of Judaism…I would need to convert again. “Half-Jewish” children hear almost the opposite; lots of reinforcement that they are “real Jews”. Also if the parent had a non-halachaic conversion, they can often times be very active and involved in the non-Orthodox Jewish community. No you have the child of the “Super Reform Jew” becoming involved with the kiruv group on campus; then they hear that they are not Jews at all. Couple that with the kiruv Rabbim who might withdraw a bit from such an individual. And you really have a sad situation.

Kiruv organizations are wonderful; but they often times end up being much more than what their primary mission provides. They are often on the “front lines” when in comes to introducing non-Jews (including “half-Jews) to Torah observant Judaism. When you are outside of Orthodox Judaism, not only do you have to deal with learning and integrating with your new community…you have to get past your previous inhibitions and stereotypes and explain your new life to those who were involved in your old life. It is really, and truly, a monumental task.

Although I can understand the aspect of the “lack of support” to gerim…I curiously do not envy BTs. I just cannot picture being born as a Jew…but somehow never being “good enough” (as a false perception…but is still perpetuated in some communities). I know gerim get the same sentiments…but at least there isn’t the tough pendulum swing where once upon a time their Jewishness was fine…and now they have a stigma…despite all of the growth they made…

The Orthodox Jewish community needs to place more of an emphasis on the development of all Jewish neshamot…regardless of the label of the body carrying it. Each and every Jew who clings to the Torah is precious. Why can’t we express this more?

I certainly don’t advocate denying the facts of your background when questioned. You don’t need to put up with abuse or condescension from people who have come to unwarranted conclusions about the validity of your Jewishness. I have at times gone to both the person as well as any mutual friends to discuss their attitudes. The only way to fight such attitudes is to not to suffer in silence.

I have lived in more than one community, and have seen the various ways that baalei teshuvah, but moreso geirim are either accepted or not accepted.

Yes, there are communities which are truly not open-armed. If you live in such a community, you might consider moving to another more accepting community. It seems that on this forum you could get suggestions as to such communities.

Another suggestion though, and please don’t take this incorrectly. ALL of us need to look within. Is there something that we are doing or not doing, etc. that might cause people to be less than open-armed towards us? Maybe a little introspection, and a little growth, might (possibly slowly) change the attitude of others in our communities towards us. We all need to constantly grow anyway. Judaism isn’t about being static.

I wish everyone hatzlocho on your spiritual journeys. Yasher koach to all of you! May we soon all meet in the Bais Hamikdosh Hashlishi!

Personally, I’d tend to feel that the same resources that are available to Jewish born BT’s should be appropriate to converts as well – albeit that there are often cultural differences – but there are between Chassidim and Litvaks, Ashkenaz and Sefard, etc. as well. Isn’t it learned that those who seek to convert to Judaism were present when the Torah was given, and wanted to accept it then? It just may have taken a little longer, and who is to say that far enough back, they don’t have Jewish ancestors (as one commenter mentioned above) that may have dropped off the tree till the present time when the neshama had the opportunity to reconnect.

Interestingly, when my Mom underwent her reform conversion about 35 years ago, the reform rabbi actually did warn her that her conversion would not be considered valid by orthodoxy. At the time, she reasoned that it made no difference to her. What did she case what the orthodox thought of her conversion? As she pointed out when I was going through my Gerus, this turned out to be bitterly ironic, as it ended up making a very big difference with her son!

It would be great, I suppose, if non-orthodox converts were warned of this fact beforehand, but, as in the case of my mother, I don’t think it will make much of a difference in anyone’s choices.

Interestingly, after I’d become orthodox, this same orthodox rabbi who conducted my mom’s reform conversion called me to come speak to him. Apparantly, he wanted to take a shot at talking me out of being orthodox. I enjoyed the discussions, but after the second session, I think he found that he “just couldn’t reason with me.” :-) Oh well.

-Dixie Yid

-Dixie Yid

As far as support many years ago there was a national support group but then it dispanded. I read about it in a Jewish monthly magazine. I felt quite alone in my circumstances. Most of the children I knew from intermarried parents saw their Jewishness as a small piece of their overall heritage.

What do you all think about efforts to make the Jewish community more aware of this predicament faced by so many of its members? My parents did not foresee what would happen 20+ years down the road but if someone had pointed it out, maybe things would be different. Also, even if it’s already “too late”, I’m sure people would appreciate knowing before they try to marry a Jew or another embarrassing situation arises. Like I said, the Reform movement doesn’t make a point of letting people know that matrilineal descent is the halacha.

Great point from the Rav you spoke to. Whenever there’s an opening for Keduaha, the Saton tries especially hard to stop you by placing obstacles in the way. I personally didn’t have that experience of a particularly difficult first year though. I had my high school friends that I hung out with there. I had my Shul friends I hung out with mostly outside of school, and I had my NCSY friends I wrote to and saw at Shabbatonim that year. B”H, I was blessed with great parents, as well as a supportive Shul and friends.

wife,

Thank G-d, that your family stayed close enough to Judaism through all those generations that you are, like you said, still Jewish. And not only that, you are connected to Shabbos, Kashrus, Tefilah, and so many other mitzvos. That’s great.

As to your point about the prevelance of intermarriage, you’re familiar with the 50% intermarriage rate from 1990, I assume. That’s including the orthodox, which are about 10% of the population. If you take them out of the mix, the non-orthodox intermarriage rate is going to be well over 60% at least, statistically speaking, and things have probably continued to get worse in the last 17 years since that study was done. My statement was more from personal experience though. I went to a reform temple growing up and I figured when I was in 10th grade, that well over half of the kids in my confirmation class were not halachically Jewish. Also when I was doing college outreach, the vast majority of kids out there had intermarried parents. It was just a fact of life out there. You should also understand that I am naturally speaking from an orthodox perspective, and so when I’m trying to know if someone is halachically Jewish, I must consider not only reform conversions, but also conservative conversions invalid, as not conforming to halacha, so I’m including that in my the calculation as well.

B”H, you may have different experiences with this because you belong belong to a particularly observant subset of the conservative community. In many smaller communities there is virtually no difference in observance between the reform and conservative congregants, except for a couple of exceptional individuals. That has also definitely been my experience in my hometown and in the city I lived in when I was doing the aforementioned outreach work.

It’s great to hear that whether orthodox or conservative, we Ba’alei Teshuva can share in some of these common experiences!

Josey,

I’m sorry you feel so conflicted about having intermarried parents. You can’t be too harsh on your Jewish parent though. In recent times, people simply aren’t given enough connection to Yiddishkeit to understand why it’s important. Who can blame them? I don’t think it’s a nasty secret. It should be something you’re proud of. I also don’t go around sharing my background all of the time, but it is not because I’m ashamed of my parents or my past. Rather, it is because I don’t want to sound like I”m showing off! If people see who you are now and what background that you came from, it usually amazes people. That has been my experience. Ashreinu u’matov chelkeinu. Fortunate are we and how great is our portion!

Fern,

That’s so cool. You could be like a secret agent, telling the rabbis when any anti-semetic plots are being hatched!

Kidding aside, my father in law is from north Africa. He’s dark skinned and speaking Italian and Arabic, among other languages. He’s also been in your situation where Arabs or others have made anti-Israel or anti-semetic comments to him, assuming he is a Catholic and would be sympathetic to their position. Unfortunately, they were sorely mistaken!

-Dixie Yid

I guess I’ve been lucky, I’ve never encountered any problems within the Jewish community because of my last name or because of who my father is. It is pretty common in my area for Jews to have non-Jewish last names (either because the family “Americanized” their name or because of intermarriage). The only bad thing about having a non-Jewish last name and WASP facial features that I have encountered is that gentiles assume you’re one of them. There have been a few times in my life where I have been “privileged” to be privy to a gentile’s opinion about Jews because they thought they were talking to a fellow Christian.