The Magic Pill for At Risk Behavior
By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
I know how badly parents want to find a cure for their teenagers’ at-risk behavior and make their problems somehow go away. We live in a pill-oriented society where there are endless, over-the-counter brands of medicines for you name it, and we have begun to expect the same quick fix for all areas of our lives — including parenting.
Just last week, a parent came to talk to me about the trouble her daughter was having in school. This 15-year-old teenager was flunking in two key subjects, getting into trouble with her teachers and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Desperate for a solution, her mother wanted to know if I could give her a pill that would cure her daughter’s at-risk behavior. I told her that the “pill†she was looking for was to start working on her relationship with her daughter.
I call this novel yet remarkably simple idea “Relationship Theory,†which places priority on the power and impact that a good relationship can have upon children, both young and adolescent alike. According to Relationship Theory, the greater the relationship, the greater the ability parents have to connect to their teenager. Another way of stating this is I = QR where the impact (I) a parent can have is directly proportional to the quality of the relationship (QR) that a parent develops with the teenager.
After all, what better present can parents give than that of themselves? Nothing can beat the pleasure of a true and loving human relationship, a factor that is often overlooked in the increasingly complex and pressurized world in which we live.
There is also mounting evidence that building a quality relationship is the key to raising healthy teenagers and responding to at-risk behavior. A comprehensive research brief published by Child Trends, entitled Parent-Teen Relationships and Interactions Far More Positive Than Not, showed a direct correlation between the quality of the parent-teen relationship and the impact the relationship has on a teenager’s life.
The research brief revealed that
* “Good relations between parents and adolescents lessen the likelihood that teens will exhibit problem behaviors.â€
* “Better quality adult child-parent relationships have been associated with lower levels of psychological distress among both adult children and parents.â€
* “Close relationships with parents during childhood and adolescence have been positively associated with adult children’s self-esteem, happiness, and life satisfaction.â€
As the father of a large family, I know that spending quality time with each child is one of the keys to being a successful parent. Although it’s difficult, my wife and I try to schedule time alone together with each of our older children at least once a day. Recently, we even started making “dates†with them. Sometimes we go to a restaurant to eat or take a walk. Other times we just go for a soda at the local convenience store. It really doesn’t matter what you do or what you talk about during your private times together. What matters is to give your teenager a feeling that he or she is the most important person in the world.
A great rabbi once said that parents should spend at least twenty minutes a day thinking about their children’s education. Today we need to spend about twenty minutes thinking and twenty talking. And I’m even willing to bargain: If twenty minutes is too much, try ten – or even five.
If you want to break through to that teenager who is going “off the derech,†here’s my prescription:
Take:
20 minutes a day to think about your child’s special qualities
20 minutes a day to just talk with your child
1 minute to reflect on the fact that you did something great
The most important point about this “pill†is that you start taking it every day. And, unlike certain medicines that can’t guarantee results, I promise that this prescription will make a difference in your child’s life.
Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and author of a new book about parenting teenagers called At Risk – Never Beyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parent and Educator Should Know. He maintains a practice in family counseling and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the web at www.neverbeyondreach.org or e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.
Just because parents work at cultivating a positive relationship does not necessarily mean that will succeed 100%. Some children are very different from their parents. Some are trying to declare their independence and, in the process, may act out in ways that are painful for their parents to watch. Parenting is not easy at all. I think some of the comments here are overly judgmental and simplistic.
An impulsive child, and a large percentage of children at risk are impulsive and/or ADHD, does not think enough before he acts. Even if he has a good relationship with his parents, in his impulsiveness he may very well follow his yetzer hara and hurt them. Everyone is not Yosef. He was not called “Hatzaddik” because he was average. Many of us will be tempted even if we see the image of our parents. After all, even if we know that Hashem loves us and love Him in response, we may still sin and not follow our Father’s standards. To expect a higher level of maturity from young children than we do from ourselves is unrealistic.
I agree with the premise of R’ Schonbuch’s article and I recommend a book called, “Hold on to your kids”:
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/037550821X
I don’t think R’ Schonbuch was being dogmatic when he stated the obvious – if you want your children to thrive and follow your example, you must cultivate a positive relationship with them from the day they’re born.
Some seem interested in passing the buck and pinning problems on psychological causes or blaming things on the yeshivos or communities. In the vast majority of cases, it comes back to the home.
As for the parents of “off the derech” children on Dov Hikind’s radio program, were they the ones to assess the quality of their relationship with their children? Their point would have some validity if their off-the-derech CHILDREN were on the air and testified to their loving relationship with their parents.
As for your comment Ora – true, we all have a yetzer hara, but when a positive relationship has been cultivated all along, children don’t want to hurt their parents. They adopt their parents’ values and even when their parents aren’t looking (like when they’re away in seminary) they maintain those standards. Like Yosef in Egypt who was sorely tempted by Potifar’s wife and who was saved by seeing the image of his father Yaakov.
A great rabbi once said that parents should spend at least twenty minutes a day thinking about their children’s education.
It was the Rebbe Rashab (5th Lubavitcher Rebbe, R’ Sholom Dovber) who said:
“Just as wearing tefillin every day is a mitzvah commanded by the Torah to every individual, regardless of his standing in Torah, whether deeply learned or simple, so too is it an absolute duty for every person to spend a half hour every day thinking about the Torah education of [his] children, and to do everything in his power–and beyond his power–to inspire them to follow the path along which they are being guided.â€
Just for the record, it isn’t only “less academically minded” kids that have trouble fitting in. The reverse is also true. A child who may be considered brilliant in a different (secular knowledge?) context, may not fit in if his particular area(s) of advancement are not in keeping with that which is emphasized in the school. When this occurs, the child’s aptitude may be ignored, or in a worse case scenario, the child may be humiliated for the nature of his interests.
s/b “electrical” above
There are a few Orthodox Jewish schools in Israel and the US that teach trades along with academic subjects.
When I was a student at Stuyvesant HS in Manhattan (1962-1966, at old East 15th St. location), it had a full complement of shop courses and drawing courses even though it was an academically elite school. Some of these courses were required and the others were elective.
In fact, I was in high school wood shop in Nov. 1963 when the intercom announced (no reason given!) that school was letting out right away, one wing at a time. It turned out that JFK had been shot.
When we lived outside Detroit, a Jewish master mechanic there had his whole shop in a truck. He’d make scheduled “house calls” to customers’ homes or nearby workplaces to repair their cars. He’s still in business. A local rabbi, who was also a bandleader, repaired washing machines and the like. An esteemed member of our shul (a perennial shaliach tzibbur for the Yomim Noraim) was an electric contractor.
Bob Miller–
While teaching “less academically minded” teens a trade is a wonderful idea, I don’t see it happening anytime soon. There’s just too much stigma for those who aren’t academically succesful. Even if every parent agreed that vocational tracks are a good thing, very few parents would actually want to see their kid in one.
Maybe if everyone were taught a trade? It’s done in some European countries, and perhaps even more importantly than providing an outlet for teen energy, it provides a source of income for many young families.
Ron Coleman, what’s your point? Did I say that breaking Torah laws is acceptable? Of course it isn’t, but it’s not psychologically abnormal either.
Also, I don’t like the term “off the derech.” It’s not that black-and-white. Everyone could be doing a better, everyone could be doing worse. There’s not really a set line where you can say, the people on this side are on, those on the other side are off.
Finally, I don’t like the way this article proposes parent-teen relationships as a solution to irreligious behavior. How about spending time with our kids because they’re our kids and we love them, regardless of whether or not they’re “at risk”? If someone could come promise me right now that no matter how horrible and disinterested I am as a mother my kids will turn out wonderfully, I would not say “oh good, time to go do something else then.” Would anybody? If parents are convinced to spend time with their children only out of concern that the kids might not adopt their worldview–that’s a bad parent-child relationship no matter how much time is spent on it.
On Naomi’s comment #10:
I think that labeling the more troubled or troublesome youth is partially to reassure parents in general that their own kids, of course, aren’t and won’t ever be like that.
On Ora’s comment #8:
One of the Orthodox world’s challenges is to provide wholesome types of fun activities in and out of school that will help keep kids on the right track. Their high energy is a fact of life—you can’t just make it go away—so it has to be properly channeled.
Also, the less academically minded students need school programming that will engage them (as opposed to depressing them or flushing them from the system). Some can benefit from learning a trade.
One last things — clearly loving parents are not “the magic pill” for deep rooted issues, and I agree with avakesh that sometimes a real assessment is needed. However, the parent-child relationship – in most cases – is key.
Your post really says it all.
I have always hated the term “at risk youth.” For some reason the frum world likes to use it a lot. Just because a child may go off the frum derech a bit, for instance, does not mean he is weird or messed up. When kids reach adolescence and teenage years, they need to experience “separation-individuation,” or the freedom to unlatch themselves from their parents, to start a quest that helps them feel like individuals. If a frum child feels squelched, he may do things his parents are not thrilled with. While kids are kids, parents need to get the point across that they are trusted. The need for a teen to feel that he is his own person is a natural developmental stage of development. If we don’t let our children do it now, it will come out later, and in ways parents or future spouses REALLY will not like. By treating one’s child the way this post speaks of numerous trust and separtion issues could be prevented.
Yeah, humans who are going off the derech, Ora!
I’ve seen many “off the derech” kids, and noticed some common factors: stresses at home, bad school environment, different messages from home and school, etc.
However, as someone who rebelled in her teenage years (didn’t most of us?), I believe that one major reason for “at-risk” behavior is going unmentioned: it’s fun. Hanging out with the opposite sex, going to parties/clubs, drinking, etc–these are all exciting things that the majority of people enjoy doing. Of course there are other ways to enjoy oneself, but few have the thrill that comes with bad behavior.
Basically, teens have a yetzer hara, just like the rest of the world. Is anyone doing surveys and psychological research to understand why I slept in this morning and missed most of davvening? No, because sleep feels good and davvening is hard. Similarly, if some seminary girls spend tonight flirting in a downtown Jlem bar instead of in their dorm rooms getting a good nights sleep before class tomorrow, is it really so hard to figure out why?
Of course, that doesn’t make their behavior right, and serious problems like heavy drug use and eating disorders need to be addressed by trained psychologists. I just think that it’s not necessary or wise to treat average “off the derech” teens as if there must be something wrong with them. They’re human, that’s all.
There is an excellent book on attachments. While a bit tedious at times, it is still worthwhile IMO.
My blogger friend reviewed it here:
http://mominisrael.blogspot.com/2006/08/thought-provoking-parenting-book.html
Maybe we need a nonlinear equation with more fudge factors.
At any rate, no one can contest that the parent-child relationship is really important. A large part of Judaism is built around enhancing this relationship in a Torah context.
But please, no visions of magic pills.
Very broad brushstrokes for a very sensitive, complex issue, as only a family going through it can tell.
2 weeks ago motzai Shabbos Dov Hikind (on talkline radio) interviewed 2 sets of parents of children “off the derech”. The thrust of his program was to show how these parents had close loving relationships with their children, but that did not prevent their childrens’ “at risk” behavior, and unfortunately, in both of those cases, a very tragic ending.
Dov Hikind has had earlier programs where he interviewed various experts in the field, among them Ruchama Clapman of MASK who offers information based on direct contact with numerous families involved in this parsha. I have never heard any of these experts say the parenting relationship is the exclusive issue. However, IMO the other contributing factors are much harder for communities to acknowledge, (yeshivas throwing out kids, for example).
whoops! typo
that’s more than have the problem solved.
should read
that’s more than half the problem solved.
Danny Schonbuch, so that’s what you’re up to now! (NCSY misses you). I checked out your website and immediately ordered the book and bookmarked you website. I am impressed. Klal Yisroel needs more of this!
avakesh, of course you are right. Often there’s much more going on. But I’m sure you would agree that if there’s a healthy relationship between parent and child, that’s more than have the problem solved.
With a good relationship there’s someone who can notice and address the issues, without one, the friction becomes the issue and then it’s band-aids instead of getting to the root of what’s wrong. With a happy home situation, the child gravitates towards better friends, will open to talk to parents about what’s wrong at school, etc.
Rav Noach Orlowek often tells the story of how when he was a young new rebbi teaching in Yerushalayim, the son of a famous rabbi was having difficulties. That student told him his father is so busy that he doesn’t even know which tractate he’s currently learning. When Rav Orlowek met with the father he confirmed that fact. He asked that famous rabbi to find even just half an hour a week to dedicate to his son, and to do something together that both of them enjoy – and it shouldn’t be learning Torah.
Kids need to know that their parents care about them as people and that they’re worth their time even if you can’t define the time as “a mitzvah”. They don’t want to be your “lulav” – they want to be your child. It’s unfortunate this even needs to be stated.
I think a mathematician would write the equation I = QR * a, in the sense that I is directly proportional to QR (the a is a dummy factor showing linear proportionality). Of course, this assumes the relationship is linear. But whatever. Math geek stuff.
I suppose tha in a shortened forum like this you can’t help being dogmatic but this is niether the sole approach not is it guaranteed to bring results. It is good advice but only a partial one and is a good example why a trained therapist (and there are good diagnositicians and poor ones out there) should be involved. A 180% assessment is needed.
Is there a psychological probelm – OCD, Eating disorder etc?
Learning disabilites?
Neutologic impairment?
What is the school doing?
What is the child’s history?
Does she have friends and who are they?
etc, etc, etc
Often it is not one issue but several. Rabbis and therspists provide different kinds of assessments. A wise parent will get as much help from as many different professional specialties as she can.